To lead difficult conversations, start softly
Daily, people get angry and harshly tell someone they live or work with about something they don’t like. Leaders are not immune to this.
For example, a leader I was talking to shared how angry he was because a fellow member of his Executive Team contradicted him in a meeting with division directors. He gave him “a dressing down” and called him a traitor. He justified his behavior by saying: “my colleague was not being loyal to me or to the company. He IS a traitor!
Strong words! How many of you can relate to this style of bringing up a problem in a harsh, angry, or critical manner? You are exasperated, annoyed, or hurt and it just spills out….
Another example, the other day a client was saying, “How could he not see that I needed for him to help me? Instead he was being selfish.” Before the session, the client had blown up and angrily complained to her husband that he should have been there for her.
Many times when you use a harsh start up style is because of your own stress or frustration. Later you can be sooooo disappointed in the outcome! It’s totally not worth it and just leads to even more pain and frustration.
People hear and react much better when your words are soft and vulnerable. A soft request of “I feel lonely and discouraged, will you help me and spend time with me?” sounds so much different than shouting “Why aren’t you ever there for me?”
Most humans respond well if someone tells them they are lonely or fearful or or worried, or embarrassed. But if it comes out as anger, we pull away instead of responding positively.
The wise king Solomon said: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 15:1; 16:24)
This is why the way you start a difficult conversation is so important. A soft start encourages people to listen and consider. It lowers defenses and elicits cooperation. Not surprisingly, research shows that couples with a soft start up style are more likely to have a successful relationship outcome in the long term.
In the same way, leaders who use a soft start to bring up issues that need to be resolved have also a greater rate of success with being heard and with resolving the issue.
Gottman, who is a researcher that has studied relationships for years, says that the way to bring up a complaint using a soft start up style is to say, “When you _________, it makes me feel ___________(share a softer emotion, not anger or frustration. Could be helpless, concern, etc.), and what I need from you is ___________.”
Notice that this three prong approach includes 1) a clear statement of the concern or situation; 2) your feelings about it; and 3) what you need from the other person. Instead of an accusation, it puts you in control of your perception, your feelings, and the possible solution.
Then, after a soft start, shut up and listen for the response of the other.
Remember. . .
Start with trying to stop and think before bringing up a complaint. Pay especial attention to what your more vulnerable, softer feelings are and then try communicating with those words instead. After all, a soft start is way more effective in resolving issues than an angry outburst!