5 proven steps for dealing with conflict

Each person possesses a unique set of attitudes, ideals, and beliefs that may differ from that of others. Although differences can enrich relationships, sometimes, these personal differences can lead to conflicts. Today I’m sharing a proven step by step process for dealing with conflict.

When problem-solving everyday issues becomes a tug-of-war over who’s right and who’s wrong, then settling even the smallest of discussions becomes a battle. Relationships in the workplace or at home can become sour and negative. A better alternative is to learn how to have win-win conversations.

When you learn to deal with conflicts in an effective way, you’ll then free yourself from the emotional and physical side effects of nasty fighting, such as feeling you’ve intimidated or dominated the other person — or that you’ve given in and given up on what you really want. You’ll have fewer tense times together, and actually improve your health. When people and couples learn to solve problems constructively together, you cut your risk for stress-related health problems including depression, cardiovascular disease, and lowered immunity.

Step # 1. Tackle the issue after both parties have calmed down. 

If you're working on a group project and find that one of your team members isn't pulling his or her weight, it's best to discuss the issue early, before it escalates. But be sure to wait until things have cooled down. It's difficult to have a productive discussion if you and and the other person are angry or upset. Wait until you are both clear-headed. The same applies if it’s an issue with your partner at home.

Example:

You: “I need to take some time to calm down and think about this. Can we talk about it first thing tomorrow morning?”

Step # 2 Describe the problem in a few words — and let the other person respond.

The opening round in problem-solving involves getting your overview of the issue out on the table. Don’t let it smolder or expect the other person to guess! Then let the other express their view of how they perceive the problem, and take time to really listen.

Example (from a work situation):

You: “If we give priority to this new project we will have to put a hold on this other project that is close to being finished and is going to bring us a good amount of much needed cash. I really think we should finish first the other project.”

Your partner: “But the person that is asking for the new project is an important customer that could potentially bring us a lot more money in future business.”

Step # 3: Look together at deeper concerns

This is the exploration phase. Don’t try to “sell” your point of view to the other person. And don’t try to solve the problem just yet. Do talk about underlying worries and issues that contribute to the problem you’re trying to solve. And do listen carefully to your partner’s concerns. Keep an open mind. Learn all you can about your own concerns and your partner’s. Your goal: See the big picture and form a mental list of both or your concerns. This is your common set of concerns that you’ll try to resolve in Tip # 3.

Example (from a relationship issue):

You: “I have a new deadline at work and meetings three nights this week, plus we promised to visit the neighbors on Tuesday night. The tax deadline is almost here. I’m afraid I’ll be up until 3 a.m. trying to do all this during the week. I’ll be grouchy and won’t do my best at work, and I won’t be very interested in socializing with our neighbors or contribute much to the meetings. Much less interacting with your family. I’m feeling squeezed.”

Your partner: “I really want to see my parents before they leave for their vacation. I haven’t spent much time with them in several months. Plus, my mother invited my aunt and uncle over to see us, too. It’s important to me to be with my parents for more than a short visit, and to feel at home. I’d like you to see them, too, and be with me for the big family dinner.”

Step # 4: Practice wholistic listening. 

Dealing with a disappointed supervisor who was passed over for a promotion she really wanted and felt she deserved? When she approaches you about it, don't just fire off your reasoning for withholding the promotion, hear her out. Pay attention, ask questions, try to understand the other person's perspective, and acknowledge the emotions that both of you are experiencing. Listen with all of you: your ears, eyes, mind, and heart.

When discussing the conflict, focus on the behaviors needed for a resolution. This will keep the discussion focused on the issue or problem, rather than turning it into a personality clash that may further escalate the conflict.

Example (from work):

Your disappointed employee: “You have been very unfair in not giving me this promotion. I have been with the company for a long time and certainly deserve it!”

You: I guess you are very disappointed and wonder why I did not choose you for the job. I do appreciate your loyalty to our company. Would you like to hear my perspective and see how we can make sure that next time a similar opportunity arises you can be the chosen one?

Step # 5: Craft a win-win strategy

Look for steps you can take to resolve the issue for both of you. This is crucial: Don’t tell the other what he or she can do, but instead say what you can do. The best solutions usually aren’t your first ideas at all but may occur to you after looking at both of your concerns and figuring out what matters most to each of you.

Example (from relationships):

You: “Maybe I could stay at home on Friday night and Saturday morning and get the tax stuff organized. Then I’d join you for the rest of the weekend with your family without any worries hanging over me.”

Your partner: “I would be willing to tell my parents you have to catch up with the taxes and can’t come for the whole weekend. I’m also willing to postpone our night out with the neighbors during the week and help you get the tax information together.”

Remember. . .

Each conflict is an opportunity for growth, therefore, reflect and readjust after one occurs. At work or at home, conflicts provide the opportunities to better appreciate another perspective, clarify your own interests, strengthen bonds, and discover new ways forward. Internalizing these experiences and growing from them will allow you to face tomorrow's difficulties with greater ease and effectiveness.

P.S.

You can explore how you can receive help in dealing with conflicts in the workplace here. If you are experiencing conflict in your relationship, you can also receive help. Check out how here.