Independence, Dependence, and Interdependence
As someone who grew up in communist Cuba, Freedom is a very important concept for me. That’s probably why the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays! As we celebrate the 250th anniversary of American independence this Fourth of July, I keep thinking about the interplay of three words: dependence, independence, and interdependence.
Probably because English is not my native language, whenever I think about words, I tend to go first to the dictionary to get the “official” meaning of the words. Drawing on several dictionary definitions and reflecting on what these words mean in our relationships, here's how I understand them.
Dependence:
The state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else.
A very dependent person avoids making decisions, always defers to others, even when it might be personally harmful, and feels that their emotions depend entirely on what happens with others.
Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:
Dependence on substances such as food, drugs, or alcohol to numb pain or fill an inner emptiness.
Dependence on behaviors such as spending, gambling, or excessive television to escape discomfort.
Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.
Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.
Dependence on others—including institutions, organizations, or government—to provide what we are unwilling or unable to develop ourselves.
When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy, and safe, by what happens externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing.
Independence:
Not dependent; free; not subject to control by others; not relying on others; not subordinate; as, few men are wholly independent.
Americans often pride themselves on being independent. But are we? Many leaders and many couples I work with are not independent at all. The independent person takes personal responsibility for their actions and emotions. What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?
Primarily, it means recognizing that your feelings come from your own thoughts, beliefs, and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.
For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.
If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, ashamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feelings in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.
However, if you are emotionally independent and responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is remind yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you.
Such a person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that you have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that you do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do–that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as you are for yours.
Next, they might move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then just take loving action in your own behalf.
For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). Then get out of range of attack rather than trying to change the other person.
Once out of range, you can turn inward and explore any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. You can embrace the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.
Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.
Interdependence:
Mutually dependent; depending on each other.
Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to and sharing a common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from "dependence" in that an interdependent relationship implies that participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and morally "interdependent."
Some people advocate freedom or independence as a sort of ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one's family, community, or society. Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two people that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent. It can also be defined as the interconnectedness and the reliance on one another socially, economically, emotionally and environmentally.
Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality in relationships. Independent people who never learn to think interdependently may be successful individuals, but they often struggle to become great partners. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage and family.
While independence is a very difficult and important developmental stage in human development — a dramatic step up from dependence, as anyone who has teens and two-year-olds will tell you— it is not the ultimate goal of maturity.
As we mature, life encourages us to bring the healthy individuality (which we developed through our independence) into relationships and networks which involve a lot of healthy interdependence. People use words like mutuality, community and synergy to describe this good kind of interdependence.
Nature is a great model of interdependence. Today you, like me, are breathing hundreds of gallons of invisible oxygen, a gift from our plant kin, to whom we return hundreds of gallons of that stuffy carbon dioxide that they love so much (thank heavens for diversity!). Meanwhile, the flowers are gifting nectar to the bees, who return the favor by pollinating the flowers.
And we have to face it: While rabbits are staving off foxes' hunger, the foxes are keeping the rabbits from overgrazing their bioregion so that their species can continue to thrive. It all fits, one way or another, in dense webs of interdependence.
But interdependence is social, as well. Couples need to find a healthy balance between being an independent healthy “I” — that can self-regulate and take personal responsibility — and a collaborative “We” — which can raise children, manage a household, and navigate life's ups and downs together.
Leaders need to have independent thoughts and be able to act independently, but also need to be able to collaborate with their boards, direct reports, and others in their organization.
Nurturing Healthy Interdependence
Interdependence needs dialogues where people learn from each other, weaving your lives, stories and hearts together, discovering insights and possibilities you could never have found alone. You can experience a near-magical interdependence through good dialogue in your relationships, in your groups and organizations, and in your neighborhoods and communities.
To nurture interdependence you need to practice putting yourself in the other’s shoes, to learn and encourage in yourself empathy and compassion. Leave your ego at the door and ask what serves the relationship—not just yourself.
Interdependence is the healthy balance between dependence and independence. It allows us to become a strong "we" without losing a healthy sense of "I."
So if I were to write a “Declaration of Interdependence” , it would go something like this:
We hold this truth to be self-evident:
We are All.
In This.
Together.
Therefore we live this truth
in our lives, homes and communities,
and thrive together into a future
that we create together.
We are the connection
that is awakening
to both the fact and the opportunity
of our interdependence —
fully, finally and beyond a shadow of doubt.
We are the words
which are making
ourselves into a special relationship
that works for us as a unit and for our community.
Because we know the Greatest Secret of all:
"We are All
in this
together."
As we celebrate Independence Day, I'm deeply grateful for the freedom that allows us to live, speak, and dream. Yet perhaps our greatest challenge is not simply learning to stand on our own, but learning to stand well with one another. Healthy lives, healthy marriages, healthy organizations, and healthy communities are built not on dependence or rugged independence alone, but on wise, compassionate interdependence.
Happy 4th of July!
P.S. Schedule a call straight into my calendar if you want to know how to have more interdependence in your relationship.